A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
