I could have mohawked her pubes.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
