Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
