Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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