as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
don't judge my taste in strippers
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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