I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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