Don't make out with my wife yet
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
birth control should be required to get into college
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
