I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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