i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
