I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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