im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
