Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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