I CAN MOONWALK!
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
