I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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