goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
