i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
