when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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