i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
