Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
