my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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