Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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