i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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