I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
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