I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
