Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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