Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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