I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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