I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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