I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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