I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
