Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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