Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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