Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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