I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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