As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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