Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
