After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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