If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
