I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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