When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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