College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
