i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
