I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
