are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
