One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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