Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
