hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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