There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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