Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I think I won the penis lottery.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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