It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
