Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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