sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
