Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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