An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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